2.8: My Life in a Diary

NOTE: For Tiffani's Diary portion, the italics font is her memories. The non-italic typewriter looking font is what she writes in her diary.

________________________________________________

Dear Diary,
There's so much to remember. Today...it was so hard. I felt like crying most of it.

  "Good job." I smiled, as Gabrielle murmured butchered words. I was teaching her more words. After her heartbreaking first words, we decided to help her expand her vocabulary.
     "Wuve oo Mommy." She giggled. "Wuve oo Daddy."
     "She said Daddy!" Francois beamed, walking into the nursery. "Tiffani. It's time."
     "I-I-it's time?" I felt the tears coming. The funeral. "I just need to change Gabrielle."
     At the funeral, the whole family came. Cassie, Jamie, Alex, Evelyn, the whole clan of kids. they spoke about the couple; how committed they where to each other, how much they love everyone, their generosity, and love of life. Everyone slowly went their own ways, until it was just Gabrielle, Francois, and I.

The funeral...it was the hardest part of loss. Sometimes, it isn't death that makes it so bad. You've accepted everything, then suddenly you have to look in the casket. Everyone has a speech, and they make you realize what you lost. 

      "She-she's gone." I cried. I was taking the loss of my Mother, who raised me despite my true father's betrayal. Harry was more like a Father then I'd ever had. And now they where both gone. Francois was at a loss for words. Fourteen years ago, I met him. He knew my parents for almost as long. It was just as personal for him; considering that the only family he had was mine.
      "Tiffani." He hugged me, picking Gabrielle who was toddling around the graveyard, exploring. She was a silent child; respectful during the ceremony, not even letting out a cry. Of course, her little brain didn't know what was happening. She didn't know the horrors of death. How we roam the Earth for so long, then suddenly we're gone. We don't get another though; another breath. We're gone.
       "You-ou know what Aly-lyce said?" Alyce. The first time I ever called my Mother by her first name. "That Gabrielle was so quiet because she was saving all her talking for when she was older. That when she was three, she'd really open up. I can't-t, how, ho-ow-w can I-?"
       "Tiffani. We'll get through this. Together." He looked me in the eye. "I love you. I know that. We have each other and Gabrielle. We have to be strong for her. We don't have to forget, but we have to make it through."
  
Francois was so comforting during the whole thing. I was a weeping mess. Damn, I love him. Words can't describe. Losing Mom-Alyce, hurt. Harry....I feel odd. He was part of my life, but he wasn't. He was there, but he was never part of the family. He was more like a father then my dead biological one, but....Mom told me. About Johnny. He knocked up some wreck...she lost the babies. Dumped him and pursed her acting career in Bridgeport. Love...I feel lost without it....or I would...I don't know what it feels like. I've never had to.

       "Fr-rancois?" I took his hand and we began to walking to the car, with him carrying Gabrielle.
       "Oui, ma chérie?"
       "Can-n we have the wedding soon? This made me realize-Francois. Life is too short. I don't want to wait."
       "Of course. We can have whenever you like."
       "And a party? A big wedding party...I'd like to have a reunion without death being the reason."
       "Sure. We can buy you a dress-"
       "And you a tuxedo."
       "And me a tuxedo and Gabrielle a little dress."
       "We can invite Cassie and Jamie's family and Alex and Evelyn and their boys-"
       "The backyard...we can have it in the backyard." 

Diary, I'm getting married! There's just one tiny bump (literally!). I'm visiting a doctor tomorrow. I'll write then....
                                          ~Tiffani

Dear Diary (Eight Months Later.....),

    It was my wedding today. Eight months ago, two after Mom's death, we'd decided to hold the wedding. I rubbed my bulging stomach. I was pregnant; we found out right after the funeral. I glanced at the surroundings; at the backyard. In the Mom's Will, she gave us money to pay for the wedding. We had decided on something simple, and quiet instead of an elaborate ceremony that Alyce had willingly gave us money for. With only my brother's families there, I shouldn't be nervous. But I was.
     The music began playing: Here comes the bride, here comes the- I stopped. Something was coming and it wasn't the bride. My water had just broken all over the aisle, and my dress.
    "Tiff? Tiff!" Cassie whispered, gesturing for me to walk forwards. I was frozen.
    "Tiffani?" Francois rushed over to me. "Tiffani?"
    "Francois." I whispered. "We can't continue the wedding."
    "What-"
    "Baby. On it's way." I said through clenched teeth. I loved this man to death, but sometimes he could be so clueless. Especially for a doctor.
    "She's in labor?!" Evelyn paled. Everyone started going insane.
    "Quick-car-now." Francois helped me walk to the convertible. 
    "Well." I sighed, "My dress is ruined." I pretended to act disappointed, but in truth I was glad. I loathed my dress. There was only one style of maternity wedding dresses at all the boutiques I visited, it was the same style my Mother had worn. I originally bought an adorable dress, but after my tummy had blown up like a balloon, it didn't fit. I suppose I'd get to wear it, now.
    We rushed into the hospital, or in my case waddled while Francois helped me and carried my overnight bag. Everything was a blur, as I was rushed into a hospital  room. I closed my eyes, breathing hard. Exactly two minutes after I had been prepped and in a room, I squeezed out baby number two.
     "Miss. Janes, Mr. Bonaparle." The doctor said, smiling. "Congratulations, it's a girl."

     "A girl." I gasped, smiling.
     "What would you like to name her?"
     "Antoinette." Francois and I said, unified.
     Antoinette, or Anna, as Gabrielle called her, was a little Daddy's girl. If she woke up in the morning, crying, it wasn't Mommy who could make everything better, it was Daddy. Francois continued to do better and better at his job, my novel's royalties became much higher, I earned my Fine Arts degree, we finished remodeling the house; the emptiness Harry and Alyce had left was finally being filled again. Time flew by; before I knew it, Antoinette was turning two years old and Gabrielle was going to turn five; she'd start school soon. 
     My girls grew up so fast. I know it's a cliche, but it feels like just yesterday I was meeting Francois, much less engaged with children.
     "Francois." I hugged him, standing in the backyard. 
     "What, love?"
     "Our babies are growing up. And I'm growing old." I sighed.
     "Thirty-five isn't old." He laughed. "Try being thirty-eight."
     "Still handsome as ever." I kissed him.
     "And you're just as gorgeous." 
     "Mama!" Gabrielle rushed outside, her pigtails bouncing. 
     "What, sweetie?"
     "Antoinette." She took a deep breath. "Antoinette just said her first word!"
     "Was it Mommy? Tell me it was Mommy." I smiled with delight, as Francois said, "It was Papa. It was Papa, wasn't it?" 
      "No, Papa." She giggled, as adorable five year old's do. "It was sissa! She said sister!"

      "Wow." I smiled. 
      Francois picked up Gabrielle and swirled around. I smiled. 
      "Bur, it's chilly." The sun had begun setting, and the cool temperatures had set in.
      "Come on, let's go in." Francois said. My life...it is so perfect. I feel ashamed for thinking it, but I feel like it is.
  The madly in love,
            Tiffani
              

Dear Diary (One year later...),
  I don't know why I decided to write again. One year, Eight months ago....I haven't written since I was a little girl, living in the cabin with my brothers and Mum. So much has changed. Mom and Harry, her second-husband, are no longer with us. Alex and Jamie both have their own family, Cassie, my best friend, got knocked up in high school and ended up marrying Jamie because of the baby. I haven't seen them in awhile. Alex is happily married to his high school sweetheart, Evelyn. They have twin sons.
    As for my, diary, I've lucked out. I have an adorable six year old named Gabrielle, and a three year old named Antoinette. Not to forget my gorgeous fiance, Francois. I think I have a few pictures of Gabrielle as a toddler and child, and Antoinette as a toddler. 

A three year old Gabrielle.

    Gabrielle loved her xylophone! She's very musically inclined. Francois took her to a performance at the park to see her first live performer, yesterday! She'd all ready decided that she wants to learn how to play the guitar, when she's older. 
    Antoinette is a doll. She's as sweet as can be and is a little Daddy's girl. And Francois-he's amazing and sweet. He wears this goofy little hat that I love and is French and looks like a model. And I'm marrying him! Soon. We tried, two years ago, but I ended up going into labor! That's a whole different story. Diary, my life is amazing. I don't want to sound braggy, but it is! Oh, Antoinette is crying. I better go see what's wrong.
             xoxo,
                Tiffani 

2.7: Life and Death

     "Tiffani, you should rest."
     "I am." I was leaning against the nursery wall, which we'd, we meaning I stood telling Francois where to move everything, just finished arranging all the furniture for. The result was adorable. The walls where painted pink, with white polka dots, and everything matched; even the little tree shaped bookshelf I insisted we buy the minute I saw it at the baby store. With my due date looming, I was glad everything was ready to go. "Did you put batteries in the monitor?" I asked, for the tenth time.

       "Yes, and in the one in our bedroom, and in the one in our room."  He smiled at me. "There's no need to worry."
        "What if-"
        "My job is to worry. Yours is to take care of yourself and the baby."
        "Okay." I sighed. "W-What if I can't do this?"  I was scared to death. The baby was going to come any minute and I only knew what a few classes and one book told me.
         "We're ready." He smiled. "We did everything we could."
          "But-what-or-maybe-if-what?"
          "Honey," he hugged me awkwardly. "We're ready."
          "We are? We are." I looked at him. "Do we have any honey? Or bananas?" I'd been craving bananas and the sticky sweet honey that I usually hated throughout the pregnancy.
        "I think we bought some yesterday. Rest on the bed, and I'll see."
        We exited the nursery and I shut the door to my  pink delight nursery. I couldn't bear to keep the gender a secret for so many months, besides gender neutral yellow would have been hideous. A nice mint, maybe. Francois had wanted it to stay a surprise, but after I bought every pink piece of clothing and decor that Babies R Us had, he figured out that the little bundle of joy I was carrying around was a girl. Of course, there was a slim chance that the little darling was a boy, but I really hoped s/he was a girl. I wouldn't want to buy a whole new set of furniture and clothing.
        "Isn't that right?" I placed my hands protectively over my balloon sized tummy. I was thirty-five and a half weeks along. I laid down on the bed and propped my swollen feet up on a pillow. Suddenly, I felt strange. "Francois!" I shouted. I was greeted with silence. "Fran-COIS!"
        "Tiffani?!" I heard him thundering up the stairs. "What's wrong?" I stood up and slipped on my shoes, shocked. This was happening. Now. "Tiffani? The baby-okay? " He looked worried.
         "My water just broke." I started hobbling to the stairs.

          "Your wat-" He started panicking. "Hospital!" He helped me to the car and we drove to the hospital. An hour later, I was screaming.
          "Breath. Just breathe." The nurse said, as the doctor gave me different orders.
          "Push!"
          "FUU-DGGGGGE!" I screamed, with a lucky save. This hurt like hell, even with the meds. I felt sorry for Francois's hand, which I was gripping so tight it probably had cut off the blood flow.
          "Congratulations." The doctor smiled, holding up a pinkish squishy blob that I assumed was my child. "It's a girl."
           "I-I'd like to name her Gabrielle." I said a few minutes later, as I held her. Gabrielle, a gorgeous French name.
           "Welcome to the world, Gabrielle." Francois beamed.
          Gabrielle was a little angel. The first six months where rough, but after that she would sleep through most of the night. She began babbling shortly after that, mostly goo's and ga's and random sounds. Time flew by, before I knew it she was going to  turn two soon.
          "Can you believe it?" I asked, laying in bed next to Francois.
          "Our little baby's growing up."
          "She still hasn't walked or said anything other than sounds...is that bad?"
          "She's a little late on the walking, but some children don't talk until they're three. She needs time."
          "What would you think about another baby?" I nervously said. "I loved Gabrielle to pieces; I just think she needs a sibling..."
           "When?" He asked.
           "When?"
           "When do you want a another baby? When do you want to start trying?"
           "Well...I know we wanted to have the wedding first....but I think I'm-" Suddenly, an ear piercing scream jerked us fully awake. Francois, who was savoring the minutes until he had to go to work, ran to the nursery. I threw on my robe and followed.

           "Is Gabrielle okay?" I asked, out of breath. Then, it hit me. "Mom!" Iran outside to the pool, Francois following me. She was passed out, by the pool, in her swimsuit. Worry overcame me. I hope she was just tired. "Mom? Mom?" I tried talking to her.
           "She has a pulse." He exclaimed.
           "Ma'am? Ma'am?" A voice filled the air. Her phone. I searched around for it, finding it and clutching it to my ear.
           "Hello? Who is this?"
           "The hospital. Ma'am, I'm afraid he didn't make it."

Harry's Point of View....one hour ago....

      I tied my running shoes, preparing for my morning jog. I kissed Alyce, who was laying in bed with her eyes open.

         "Harry. I love you. Can you believe it? We've been married so long...our anniversary is tomorrow. And Gabrielle's birthday next week...."

         "Amazing how time flies. Isn't it? So many year, yet it feels like only a day. I love you, Alyce." I leaned over and kissed her. "See you soon." I st
ood up and walked downstairs and outside. The morning air was cool and fresh. Perfect for a jaunt. 

         My feet began pounding the pavement. The sky began opening up, crying. The rain fell onto the pavement, making it slick. I felt a jerk in my chest. That's odd. I was tumbling to the ground. My vision became dark and blurry; I couldn't see anything. 

        "Alyce...I lo-" My body hit the pavement.

 Alyce's Point of View...

     Harry Laurel. He couldn't be gone. NO. No, he couldn't. Harry. I felt the tears well up inside me. He had to be okay. This had to be a joke. Any minute, he'd pop up from behind some furniture and we'd be okay. He'd kiss me and tell me he was sorry for scaring me, and it would be okay.

     But it wasn't. He was gone. I lay on the bed, silently. They'd insisted on taking me to therapy for the last month. I was fine. One month....the funeral was in three weeks. Four weeks without him. I closed my eyes. My heart felt heavy.
     "Mom." Tiff whispered, quietly coming in. "Mom, I have news."
     "What is it honey. Is it good? I could use some good news?"
     "It is." She beamed. "Gabrielle-"
     "And your husband."
     "Well, not yet. We're going to set a date, soon."
     "That's good. It's good you found someone...commitment...it can be difficult."
Commitment is scary. I can't decide if I made the right choice...I know I did....sometime I doubt myself, though. Is that wrong? I sometimes wonder what would have happened if my taxi cab had just kept driving into the sunset, never stopping in Bridgeport. We'd be in some random town with no gas in the car. I'd never be a mom, I'd not be married...sometimes I wanted that. Sometimes I wish life was different....I look into the face of my children, my husband, and know I did everything right. I messed up a couple times, yet somehow they've forgiven me. That's all I needed. As my thoughts become blurry and my heartbeat slows, I realize my life is complete. I can go.
   "I love you....never....never forget your regrets; they're your best decision, you just never realized it. Moving to Bridgeport was mine...." I closed my eyes as I hear the tears rush down everyone's faces.  "Tell him, tell him..." My voice falters; I let myself drift off, I never spoke another word. I was complete.

Tiffani's Point of View...

     "Mom? Mom, wake up!" I felt the tears drip down my face.  She never knew. I didn't get to tell her. I felt for a pulse, wanting some sign that she was okay. I knew that everything was heading to this. She died from a broken heart. 

      "Tiffani?" Francois came in. "Tiffani?!"He looked from her body to me. 

      "Call 911! Quick she might..." It was to late. I knew that. But a little piece of me held onto the hope. 

      "I will." He called them. I heard sirens in the distance. He exited to greet them.

      "Mommy." I whispered, my voice turning childish."Mommy. Gabrielle said 'Gwama'. Her first word! Mommy?" She was gone.

2.6: Little Surprises

     Negative. I stared at the test, sitting with my legs crossed on the bed, tears welling up in my eyes. What was wrong with me? It had been seven years since my accident. Francois and I had made the decision to start trying a year, almost two, ago.
With my thirtieth birthday looming a month away, I felt hopeless.  What type of idiot can't have a child? Plenty of idiots could reproduce...why not me? We'd visited a doctor a few months ago. I could have children. We knew there was other ways. We just couldn't give up hope yet.

   "Tiffani?" Francois crept into the room.
    "Hey." I sniffled, wiping the tears away.
    "Tiff." He whispered, sitting on the bed, holding me in his arms. "It'll be okay. We-"
    "Okay?! How can it be okay?" I began breaking down; crumbling. "Francois I love you...I just want you to have everything perfect. I can't even give you a damn adorable child. We're getting older and-"

     "Tiffani." He took my ring less fingers and intertwined them with his. "I don't need any of that. I have you."
      "Thanks." I smiled at him, as I wiped away my tears and polished myself up.
      "Tiffani, I was going to wait until our vacation to China to do
this, but," He bent down on one knee, "Tiffani Janes. Will you marry me?"

      "Francois?" I stood up, in utter shock. "I-I..."
      "I'm really hoping that that's a yes."
      "Yes! Yes, it's a yes! Oui, oui! I'll marry you." He slipped the ring onto my finger.
      "I love you so much." He whispered in my ear as he hugged me.
      "I love you too. More than you know." I fell backwards onto the bed, pulling him with me.

I was going to be married to Francois. My heart fluttered with excitement. There where so many details... when, where, who. We just had to tell my parents. My frail sixty and sixty-five year old parents. There health was slowly declining, day by day, I knew they'd appreciate the news. They'd appreciate it; love it, or they'd have a heart attack. I was hoping for reaction number one. We pulled away from each other.  "I just want to stay here all day." I whispered. "Curled up in your arms."

     "So do I." He whispered back, kissing my cheek. 
     "But we have to pack." I sighed. I stood up, slipped my clothing back on, and grabbed my suitcase. Francois followed suit.We were going to China! I was so excited; I'd never been to any other country other than France. I'd wanted to visit the Parisian outskirts again, but Francois insisted on China. "I lived in France my whole life. If we go there, it's like visiting my hometown. Not a real vacation." He joked.
       The day turned to night, then day again and soon we found ourselves hurrying to the airport, my parents driving us.
      "Mom, Harry." I said, nervously in the back of their car. "Francois and I have an announcement."
     "What is it?" My Mother, who was driving, turned to face me.
     "Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!" I shouted as we swerved into the left lane, luckily no cars where coming.
     "How about we tell when we're at the airport?" Francois suggested.
     "Good idea." I agreed. We parked and Francois and Harry unloaded our baggage. We went into the airport, until my parent couldn't come with us any further.
     "What's your announcement, honey?" Mom asked.
    "Well," Francois put his arm around my shoulder, "Francois and I," I grew increasingly nervous. "Are getting married!"
     "Congratulations!" My Mom said. "This is so exciting, when will the wedding be? Oh and the cake and dresses-Tiff." She paused her rambling. "Are you pregnant? Because your other two siblings married because of children."
      "She's not-" Francois stuttered, embarrassed.
      "I'm not-"
      "So no grandbabies?"
      "You two better hurry on." Harry said.
      "Come here, you two!" My Mom hugged us both, then Harry did. 
      "Hard to believe," Harry whispered in my ear. "I've seen you struggle through high school and middle school, and now you're getting married...."
       "I love you all!" I said, as I walked away, my hand in Francois's.
       I fell asleep on the plane, my head resting on my fiance's shoulder. Fiance. I loved that word. Francois and I where to be married...we had decided that we would wait on a wedding ceremony, maybe a year or two. Enjoy the life we had right now, before the wedding bills piled up. There was so much to do. We both agreed on a private ceremony; something nice and quiet. I suggested we could sign the official papers in America, but have the informal ring exchange somewhere romantic. I knew it was a big hassle to get married in another country, so we could officially get married at Town Hall, in America, so we wouldn't have to deal with legal hassles and paperwork.
      China was wonderful. I loved the architecture and the Asian culture. My favorite foreign country  was still France, but China was a close second. Of course, I was still interested in visiting Italy and Hawaii, which wasn't a foreign country, but quite exotic compared to New York. We checked into the hotel, then went to our room.

      "M'lady." Francois said,  carrying me out onto the balcony as I giggled at his Olde English accent.
      "Look at the scenery..."  
      "Beautiful isn't it? Almost as beautiful as a certain girl I happen to be marrying."
      "Francois," I giggled, blushing. I kissed him, slowly.
      "Get a room." A blonde American sneered, who was standing on the balcony a few down from us.
     "Come on." I sighed, not wanting to stop. We rented two bikes, then we pedaled to The Scholar's Garden.
      "Something about the garden...it makes me feel peaceful."
      "Zen." I commented.
     "Exactly. Zen." We held hands and walked through the garden. "Look! A chess table. Want to play?"
     "Sure." I said, even though I only had a vague knowledge of chess. The queen was more powerful than the king, just like a real relationship, and the ponies where knights. 
     We sat down, and I went first. I moved a pawn forwards two, he moved his knight. Time ticked away, as we played. 
      "Check mate!" I exclaimed.

     "Check mate?" He asked, shocked; stumped. "You win." He smiled.
     "Do I get my prize?"
     "Prize?"
     "You silly." I kissed him. "It's getting dark. We better go back to the hotel."
     We pedaled into the darkness. In our hotel room, we celebrated a little. We had two weeks in China, which we spent exploring the gardens and temples, shopping for souvenirs, and celebrating a lot. 
      "Tiffani, are you all right?" It was the tenth day or our vacation and I had felt sick since the seventh. 
       "I'm fine." I lied. I had been stuck leaning over the commode half the morning and my period was late.
       "Are you sure?" He propped me up on the bed. "Tiffani, we could go back to New York."
       "We still have four more days left. I'll survive." I joked.
       "Are you sure?" 
      "It's probably just something I ate."
      "Tiffani. I'm a doctor. You can't lie to me. This could be something serious. 'Something I ate' does not last this long."
       "Francois." I smiled. He was so protective. It was sweet of him to worry, but I honestly thought it was nothing. I hadn't told him that my period was late, right now he just assumed serious food poisoning. I should have been able to put two and two together, but I didn't. "I love you. Don't worry."
        "I love you, too. That's why I'm worried." 
       "That's so sweet-Bathroom! Bathroom!" I stood up. He helped me to the bathroom. 
       "Tiffani." He said after I cleaned myself up again. "We're going home."
        "Okay." I didn't argue this time. We packed up and drove to the airport. I bought last minute tickets back to New York, USA. On the flight, I stood silently, in the airplane's restroom. I was waiting. I'd bought a test from a store at the airport. Another minute. Then I'd know. I took a deep breath when my iPhone timer went  off. I looked at the test, nervously. I stared at the results. This is fabulous! I squealed in my head.  I just had to tell Francois.
      I walked back to my seat, nervous. Should I tell him? Now or at home? What would he think? We'd wanted this to happen. I felt nervous and sweaty. I rubbed my stomach. Life was growing in there! Even though I was only a week along, I felt jitters. I'd tell him at home. Somewhere special. 
    As we hopped into our taxi and drove home, I felt excited. I couldn't wait  much longer to tell him. We wanted this for two years. It's cruelty to keep it from him much longer. 
    "Francois." I said, slowly as we stood in our backyard. "I-I have something to tell you." 
    "Do you fell alright? I promise, we're taking you to the hospital, soon." 
    "Francois...I don't need to go to the hospital. Well, I probably will. But I know why I was all blah!"
    "Are you alright?" Concern flooded his face. 
    "Yes. I have fabulous news." I smiled, excitement pouring out of me. "I'm-we're- we'll be adding a new member to the family! I'm pregnant!"

     "Tiffani!" He smiled, hugging me. "This is great. I'm-we've-two years-" He rubbed my belly "Bonjour petite chérie." Hello little darling. He was going to be a great dad. "I can't believe that we're going to be parents..." 
      "I know...it's just that. We're ready. Aren't we?"
      "I don't think that anyone can be completely ready for parenthood...Tiffani. I know you'll be a great mum."
      "And you will be a fabulous papa." I said, using the French term for dad.
     Mommy. I was going to be a mommy. Realization hit me. Mother. Mama. Mom. Mum. Ma. This is what I'm going to be! There isn't any turning back now. As I chatted with my fiance by the pool, I knew everything was perfect. The pieces where falling into place. And I loved it.

2.5: Love You to the Moon and Back

Six Months Later....
    "I can't believe you came." I whispered. I was still in shock. I'd been in a coma for five months and awake for one. I was  stabilized and could be released soon; the doctors had ordered I stay another few days, just to make sure that everything was fine.
     "Tiffani...when I heard what happened, my world stopped. Every rational thought I'd ever thought went out the window. I-I love you. I had to be there to support you. To see you."
      "Still," I frailly smiled. "Six months. What about you job?"
      "I have a surprise I know you don't like them, but I hope you like this one."
      "Francois....I love surprises now. I-the crash-and....I have something to tell you. On my way home, I was coming from the doctor's. I -I thought I was pregnant."
       "What? Where you?" He looked shocked.
       "No...I had cysts. I was planning to visit you and tell you everything when the crash happened. I fainted from low blood pressure, the cysts caused me to, not to sound gross, but I couldn't keep much down, so I didn't eat a lot, and then I hit my head on the steering wheel and went into the coma....they removed the cysts; I'm fine know, but it made me realize everything. I though I'd be ready for children. I had a whole life plan, but you can't plan life. Somethings just happen and you roll with the punches.....I don't mean to sound like a teenager who uses the words to skip class and not do homework, I just. You said you have to live in the moment. And you do. You can think ahead and do what you hope will have the outcome of the future you want, but you can't plan everything. I have you, and I love you, and-" I began tearing up.
       "Tiffani." He smiled. "It's poetic."
       "Really? You don't hate me?'
       "Why would I hate you?" He looked concerned.
       "Because, I wasn't eating and if I really was pregnant I could have ruined the baby's health and life and-"
        "Don't worry. You could have been, but you aren't."
        "Francois...what's the surprise?"
        "I moved to America. It was easier, I could see you everyday and my job wasn't exactly picking up...I had my dual citizenship, so it wasn't to complex. Your parents let me stay in the guest bedroom and I'm saving for a home of my own. I work at the hospital."
        "Francois!" I gasped. He moved to America. For me. And there was a pretty good chance I'd never rise from my coma.
        "One more thing," he smiled. "People call me Franc."

        "Franc? Like Frank? Why? Your name is so gorgeous."
        "I was a doctor, the other guys though Francois sounded like a model." He laughed. "Americans aren't use to the French names."
        "That they aren't." I agreed. "Francois, Franc, can I still call you Francois?"
        "Of course."
        "What-what do you thin-k-k of children? If I really was pregnant? Your reaction. Or just having children. In the future...."
        "My first reaction would probably be along the lines of 'Hell, what  do I do? How can this be happening?' the second would be 'I'll love and support you no matter what.'." He looked at me and took my hand. "And I will. I'll be there for you, no matter what. When would I want children? I'm not sure...when would you?"
        "I'm not sure....I mean maybe after marriage.  But, if somebody's in a loving, committed relationship with one another and they are planning on staying with each other for the rest of their lives....I wouldn't say no to having children. If two people love each other and are going to stay with each other, it doesn't matter if there's a ring or not. I don't need a ring to decide to have children."
       "So you don't want to get married?" He teased.
       "I do...I just don't want marriage to be this thing we get just so we can start a family. And children. Not right now....I mean....you're twenty-four and I'm twenty-one....I'd rather wait. I don't have an age."
        "You don't need one."
        "Francois." I tried standing.
        "Tiffani. you need to rest."
        "You can help." I kissed him and he smiled.  I laid back down and he sat on the edge of my bed. I held his hand and tried pulling him down.
       "Do you really want to? At the hospital?"
       "Six months." I sighed. "Without it. I get a little slack, don't I?" I began kissing him.
       "Remember what we just said?"
       "Risk it?" 
       "Tiffani."
        "Fine." I sighed, kissing him.
        "You need your rest."
        "It'll relax me if we-"
        "Tiffani." He gave me his playfully. "Once you're out of the hospital. Then,"
        "Your all mine." I winked, pulling him closer.
        "Tiff! Great news." My Mother came into my room.
        "Oh! Um, bonjour Mrs. Laurel." He jumped up, away from the hospital bed.
        "Franc, call me Alyce. Tiff, they're releasing you tomorrow." She didn't seem to notice our make out session.
        "Great. Great. Tomorrow, huh?" I smiled seductively, or at least I hope it came off that way, at Francois.
        "Tiff, would you like a party?"
        "Party? Why?" I asked confused.
        "You just, or will, get out of the hospital after six months. It calls for a celebration."
        "Mom," I laughed. "The bottle of wine Francois sneaked in and the flowers and balloons and jewelry and everything Harry and Evelyn and Alex and Cassie and Jamie and you all got me is plenty. Plenty."
         "Okay." She sighed. "Evelyn and Alex are bringing the twins by later. And maybe we can visit Cassie and Jamie later. They've been on their toes, with the triplet and everything."
         You miss a lot in six months. Cassie, who had been two months into her pregnancy popped out three perfectly healthy babies about three weeks ago, two girls named Tabitha and Consuelo and a boy named Caleb. Evelyn hadn't been as lucky. The boys, Evan and Sam, where two and a half months early and ended up having to stay in the hospital for weeks. They'd been stabilized two weeks ago and Evelyn was excited to bring them on their first official outing. So far, I'd only seen pictures of all five beauties.
          "Are they still planning on moving out?" I asked. Evelyn had insisted that with  seven of us packed into the home, it was just to cramped. Everyone, except Alex, who always agreed with his wife no matter what, protested. From what I understood, if I hadn't gone into a coma, she and Alex would have been moved out all ready.
       "Yes." She sighed. My babies....all grown up.
      "Hey, you have grandbabies now, to spoil."
      "Makes me feel so old. I'm only forty-eight....then again, what do I expect. I had a baby when I was nineteen." She laughed, a slight unusual bitterness in her tone. "Tiff...this may be personal, but please. Don't rush family. Enjoy your life while you're young."
     "Mom, I'm twenty-two."
      "Try being fort-eight. You'll think you're all grown up now, but trust me. You have a good eight years."
         "Well," Francois looked uncomfortable in the middle of the mother-daughter conversation. "I have to get to work. Kinda convenient, if you think about it. I'm mean the wreck isn't-"
         "I know." I smiled at him. He leaned down and kissed my cheek.
         "Love you." He whispered in my ear.
         "I love you, too." I whispered back. He stood up and walked out of the room.
         "Franc's a nice man."
         "Thanks?"
         "Can I not compliment him without a question arousing?"
         "Hey guys!" A chipper voice said. "We brought Sam and Evan, come on honey, over here." She pulled Alex over to the spot she wanted him.
         "Hey, Evelyn. Are you alright?"
         "She loves parenting. Loves it." Alex sighed.
         "And you don't?" I teased him.
         "I do, it's just we decided that we'd do these weekly shifts of who gets up when and does what. Evelyn's extremelly good at getting out of anything involving early mornings or late nights."
          Sex.  She mouthed, out of Alex's view. Can get a guy to jump through hoops. "Annnnnnd, I get this great little energy thing, the doctor gave me these vitamins and they're super!"
         "Great. Glad you like it."
         "Yeah! I really want another baby. Maybe after the twins grow up a little. What about it, boo?"
         "We'll talk." He whispered. "Well, nice talk. We really should be going."
         "Bye, Tiff." They walked out just as quickly as they'd come in.
         "Well, that was...interesting....to say the least."
         "First time parents. They'll be a little crazy."
         "You're telling me." I muttered. Then, I let out a huge yawn.
         "Are you getting sleepy, honey?"
         "I'm," yawn, "fine."
         "Goodnight." She exited the room.

Francois's Point of View.....

    "What's it mean if a girl says she doesn't want or need a ring to start a family? Is she using reverse psychology? Am I suppose to propose? Or does that mean she wants space. She isn't going to break up with me? Is she? No, no, she can't. I love her. I-"
     "Um, Franc." One of the nurses said.
     "Hm? What?"
     "You might want to focus on the patient."
     "Oh, right." I blushed. "Sorry." I went back to looking down the man's throat. "You've done the test" I asked.
      "Yes." The nurse replied. "You might want to take some personal time before you talk a patient to death." S
      "And if she-"
      "Here." She handed me the results back, then exited the room. I reviewed them, then came to a conclusion.
       "You have strep. This," I scribbled a prescription onto a notepad, then tore it out. "Will help."
       "Thanks." We went over the basic end of appointment formalities, then I turned to the empty room. "How do you stump a Harvard medical school student?" I asked the room. "Have him have a conversation with his girlfriend."


Tomorrow....Tiff's Point of View....
  
    "Jamie and Cassie sent their annual New Year's card." I said to my Mother, who was cooking
dinner. It was January seventh and she'd just turned fifty-two.
     "Oh, let me see!" She happily exclaimed. "Oh, look at the children! They're growing so big!"

     "The triplets turned three not long ago."
     "We really should visit them."
     "They invited us to their  late New Year's party, remember?"
     "Oh yes. I remember now." A look of confusion, then remembrance flickered across her face. Mom had been forgetful lately. Harry was fifty-seven and helped her remember things, but I still disliked the fact that my parents where aging so quickly. Harry wasn't my real father, but he felt more like it them Johnny did. I hadn't seen him in years. I don't even know if he's alive anymore. And I don't even care.
      "We probably should get going-It's already eight-thirty. We're late."
      "I'll get Harry.It's lonely...Evelyn and Alex and Evan and Sam gone. Tiff, are you moving?"
      "No, Mum. You signed the house over to me, remember?"
      "Oh, yes! I signed the house over to my daughter."
      "Are you ready?" Harry asked.
      "Yes." Mom smiled.
      "Tiffani," Francois said. "I have something to show you."
      "Can you do it later? I have to go with-"
      "Tiff, just stay." My Mother smiled, dazed.
      "Um, okay." then the couple walked to the garage, gone. "What is it?" I smiled, curiously.
      "I'll show you." He took my hand and led me upstairs.
      "Ow!"  My shirt had caught on the railing.
      "Need to change?" 
      "No...I was just going to take it off. Unless, you'd prefer I not." It was unnecessary for me to, but I was eager to have a little fun. This just helped push everything in that direction.
       "I don't mind." He winked, as we walked into the study.
      When Mom gave me the house, Francois and I had decided to do a little redecorating, mostly by getting rid of Alex's old room and redecorating it into a research area for Francois and a writer's nook for me. Mom and Harry had moved into the apartment like area above the garage that was separate from the rest of the house, allowing me to move into a larger space with Francois. Currently, my old bedroom was empty.
     "Tiff," He had positioned the telescope in a certian direction, "Look through here."
     "Okay." I bent down.
     "Do you see the bright beam of light?"
     "Uh huh."
     "That's Jupiter. Now, if you turn the scope slightly this way," He directed me. "You see a moon."
     "Wow..." I whispered. It must be huge to be able to be seen from Earth.
     "Now, if you had a higher powered telescope, you could see another moon that's a third the size of that moon." He showed me a photograph that I assumed was the moon that I couldn't see. "This," He pointed to the p
icture, "is Tiffoid 003-X."
      "You named a moon after me!" I gasped. "How?"
      "The Holmberg-Weider Astronomical Society found a new moon. I'd been doing a little astrological work on the side to help with my logic as a doctor and heard that they where needing a name. I had a friend who's an astrophysicist at the science facility, pulled a few strings, and named the moon. Tiffani, I love you to the moon and back. I wanted something to show it."
       "I love it. I love you. Thank you." Some people might assume it was nerdy, but it didn't seem that way. It wasn't a star, it was an actual moon. A moon named after me. Me. "You know, you don't need a moon to show me that you love me. I believe it no matter what.." I kissed him on the cheek and he picked me up and pressed me against the wall.
       I loved this man. He was sweet, spontaneous, romantic, and everything I dreamed of. I loved the future. Together. As long as I had him, we had each other, everything would be okay. Everything.

2.4: Critical Condition

    I started mixing up the cake batter for the three birthday cakes. We were throwing a joint party for Harry, Alex, and Mom who had birthday's extremely close together. Let the cakes bake at 350° degrees for twenty minutes. I stuck the cakes in the oven, turned the timer on, and let them bake. I wasn't exactly talented culinary wise, but I couldn't mess up a boxed mix. I felt a wave of nausea from the food.
   Mom was Forty-eight, Harry fifty-three, and Alex twenty-eight. Still stuck in the same boat as he was three years ago at twenty-five. Dating Evelyn, no children, no rings.I poured the batter into the pans, then licked the spoon.
    I had felt awful for a few weeks, now. Aches, headaches, and the inability to keep my lunch down. It was awful. I had barely eaten anything for a weeks. Water and crackers and vitamins.  I could keep that down. I had lost weight a little, without wanting to, I just couldn't will myself to eat.
     I'd visited Francois last month... I knew what my symptoms indicated. I had bought a drug store test last week, but the test was negative. I was twenty-one and happily dating Francois. I didn't need a baby. I'd scheduled a doctor's appointment at four, today. I didn't trust the tests. I had to be sure. At the party, I avoided alcohol. I figured that if I was pregnant, I didn't want to ruin the child's life. One drink and my kid would probably be an alien or something, with my luck. And if I wasn't pregnant, I could always get hammered later with Francois in Paris, which would probably lead to some drunken sex...which probably would lead to a kid. So I guess there's no getting hammered either way.
     "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you," We sung to Harry. He aged up into a graying fifty-three year old. Then, Mom went. She'd developed gray streaks in her hair and a few more wrinkles. Then, Alex went. His looks hadn't changed at all.
    "Evelyn and I have a surpris
e, everyone." Alex tapped his wine glass.

     "I'm pregnant! Four weeks! And Alex and I," She took his hand. "Are married!"
  "What?!" Everyone gasped.Then, the congratulations.
     "Married?" My shocked Mother asked. "When? Where? I'm happy for you, congratulations, but...so quick."
     "Our Vegas trip that we just got home from yesterday."
     "You didn't, you know, drink. Did you?" Harry looked concerned.
     "Of course not." Evelyn giggled. "Totally alcohol free vacation." Cassie and Jamie had gotten strangely quiet.
     "Why?" I asked.
     "Why what, Tiff?" Alex asked me.
     "So sudden. The marriage. Because of the baby?"
     "No, I actually proposed to her a few weeks before the baby was...conceived."
     "Why? I mean, I love having another sis-in-law but it seemed kinda quick."
    "Well...." Alex blushed.
    "We'd wanted children. But, I wanted to wait until marriage to start a family." Evelyn elaborated.
    "I wasn't sure if it would be to sudden. But...I love her." They looked at each other with adoring looks. "And know we have our little pumpkin to join us." He rubbed Evelyn's tummy.
     "Cassie? Jamie?" My mother looked to them. "Awfully quiet." She winked at them.
     "I'm pregnant!" Cassie blurted out. "Again. I told Alyce a while back. I'm two months in. Eight weeks."
     "That is fabulous!" Evelyn squealed. "The kids will be so close in age and," She began squealing the details of everything that would be fabulous, since the babies would be so close in age.
      "Evelyn's on a little...pregnancy high."
      "Ah, pregnancy brain." My Mother sighed.
      Everyone began talking baby names and stores. I couldn't help but feel left out. I wasn't pregnant. I might be. I hope not. Three pregnancies seemed a little hormonally excessive. I wasn't married, though. And Francois was clueless that he might be a father and that our baking bread at night had left a little bun in the oven....
    The music was turned up and everyone began dancing. Alex and Cassie started a dance-off and everyone laughed. Alex busted out the robot and Cassie did her little scuba dance.
     "So, who wins?" She giggled.
     "Come on guys." Alex smiled.
     "Cassie." Jamie instantly said, hypnotized by her swinging hips.
     "Defiantly Cassie." My Mother said. "Because you don't mess
with a pregnant woman."
     "Ditto." Harry said.
     "Evelyn?" Alex turned towards her, a playful look in his eyes.
     "Cassie! You'll learn not to mess with pregnancy brain, soon enough." She giggled and they began kissing.
      "Guys. Guys!"
      "Oops." They blushed and pulled away.
      "Cassie." I cast my vote.
      "Woo!" She did another victory dance. "Baby and I win!"
      "Do you guys want to come back to our place and see Emily, Rooselt, and  James?"
      "Sure." We all piled into our vehicles and drove.
      Mom loved playing with James.
      "Oh, Jamie! He's saying Grandma!"
      "Gwanma. Pick me up! Up!" The four year old giggled.
      "Upppp you go!" She picked him up. "Tiff, I remember when you where this old. You where such an adorable baby." She tickled James's tummy. "Yes he was. You're adorable
. Look at his little cheeks!"
       "Thwank oo gwanma."
       "And his manners. Awww! Grandma loves her grandbabies."
       "He looks like Tiff." Cassie commented.
       "He does." I laughed.
       "Hi Auntie Twiff." He waved at me.
       "Hi, James." I waved back. He was adorable. Hey. Soon this might be you life. Diaper changes and baby bottles.
        Upstairs, Alex, Jamie, and Harry where playing with the twins.
       "So..." Alex commented. "The kids are cute." He played with Emily.
       "Thanks." Jamie said. "Hard to believe you're going to have one soon."
       "I know...is it hard? Parenting?"
       "It gets easier as you go along."
       "Really?" Well, when they can't walk," He laughed. "It's easier to keep track of the little ones."
       "Grandpa Harry! Can you say Grandpa Harry?" He cooed to Roosevelt.
       "Gwandpa Hawwy!"
       "How old are you turning?" Jamie asked him.
       "Thwee. But I two wight now."

       "Wow. You're a big boy, aren't you."
       "Yeah. Me is."
       Back downstairs, the conversation had turned from 'Look how cute James is' to 'Pregnancy things I never want to know'.
       "So, when's your due date?" Evelyn asked Cassie.
       "I have seven more months to go so," She babbled more.
        I glanced at my watch. Three-thirty. "Well, I have to go."
       "What? Why?" Mom asked me.
       "Writing thing. Publisher. You know." I tried being as vague as possible. Hopefully, I wouldn't be pregnant and everything would be good. Everything would be good.
     I hopped in the car and drove to the clinic. I nervously, I waited in the waiting area. Magazines sat on tables, all about pregnancy or health or parenting. Nothing I was wanting to read right now. I glanced at the kiddie area. Rocking horse, alphabet poster, dollhouse, and colorful rug. This could be my life soon. I hope not. I wanted children, but not know. I was at the height of my career. Tiffani Janes was becoming a well known name in the literary world. And Francois was excelling at his career. In France. He'd visited America a total of four times, but we had yet to figure out living arrangements. I'd love to live in France, but Francois told me he thought we should, if ever, move in together in the USA. He had a dual citizenship, so it wo But his career. He was a doctor and currently had a well paying job at a tiny clinic. He wanted to be an American doctor, but he'd have to start all over; he'd save as much as he could then move to America and start out at Bridgeport Hospital.
uld be easier for him to move here then me move there.
     "Tiffani Janes. The doctor is ready to see you." The young, blonde secretary informed me.
     "Thanks." I mumbled. I collected my thoughts, then stood up. I walked into the white room, and began panicking. I couldn't be a mother. I couldn't.
     "Ms. Janes, please take a seat." I did.
     The doctor ran some tests, then began analyzing them.
     "Ms. Janes, I have news." She stated once she stood up.
     "Good or bad?" I he
ld my breath.
     "It depends. Do you want to be a mother?"
     "No. Wait, am I? No, no, I can-"
     "Don't worry. You are not pregnant."
     "Thank goodness." I sighed a large sigh of relief. "Not that I don't like kids, or you know, want them. I'm only twenty-one and my boyfriend is in France and I was really going to wait on kids. And I don't sound like a bad future mom, do I? I love kids. I'm and aunt to three. Emily, Roosevelt, and James. They're adorable-"
     "But, that isn't the only thing I have to tell you."
     "What?" I went back into freak out mode.
     "You have two ovarian cysts. They do not appear to be dangerous, they may even go away on their own, but surgical removal is an option."
     "Does this ruin my-er, not to sound hypocritical, but can I still have children?"
     "Yes, you can. it may be harder for you to conceive, but it is possible."
     "Good. I want children. Just not now."
     "Ms. Janes," She went onto to babble a bunch of medical garble about the cysts. They could burst, which would be bad, and there was many other terms that I couldn't remember."Would you like to schedule a surgical removal?"
     "Um...can I talk to my family, first?
     "Of course. Call the office during hours and we will schedule the surgery." After a few more moments, I was out of the clinic.
     As I drove home, I felt nervous. Cysts.That didn't sound good. I focused on the road; focused on driving. This didn't mean my plan couldn't go as I wanted. I could still have my life plan. I could- Stop. I felt a sudden oddity. The rush or almost pregnancy suddenly made me not want to be pregnant. I didn't want children, yet. I wasn't ready yet and you can't put a number on when I will be. I've been dating the same man for three years, yes. That didn't mean we needed to be married. Marriage...what was the point.
  Black. 
  Spots. 
  Dizzy.
I suddenly felt a wave of confusion. Or made that was the dizziness. I felt faint.  I'd passed out. 
    Crash. 
    Hit. 
    Swerve.
My vision went black and my head tumbled forwards.
    Guardrail.
    Blood. 
Pain vibrated through my skull. I heard the bone fracturing. My left arm went numb. I couldn't open my eyes. I felt the blood plaster my hair to my face.
    "Is she okay?" "Quick, call 911!"
    Sirens.
    Ambulance.
Voices. Cell phones. I felt myself being lifted onto a gurney and wheeled to the ambulance.
  Surgery.
   Tubes.
   I was at the hospital. Critical conditon. Tubes going into my skin. One down my throat. I felt like gagging. Drugs pumping through my veins.
    Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
    The monitor. Unawareness.
    "Tiff. Tiff, wake up! Please be  okay. I called Francois. He's coming. He's coming from France for you! You have to be okay. Tiff no! Tiff I love you like a sister."
     Evelyn.