8.14 Part Three: Recital Night and Maya

Maya's POV, at her home...

   Dammit, dammit, dammit. I glanced at the bills; they'd been higher than I thought they would... I had bought new furniture for the girls' room, but I'd sold the car so I should have broke even. How was I going to pay this month? I'd screwed up and sent myself into debt that was deeper than what I thought was humanly and mermaidly possible. Why'd I have to purchase all these pointless things? Massages, luxurious clothes and jewelry that I'd pawned off a few months ago to pay my bills, salon trips, and vacations. I had tried going on dates, but I wasn't young enough anymore to be some elderly man's gold digging arm candy. Why had I been such a bitch to Harbor? Our life wasn't perfect, but he was sweet and kind and willing to bend over backwards to accommodate me. If only I hadn't been so obsessed with perfection.
   I couldn't afford the cost of a cab, so I couldn't go to Marlo's performance, not that I could tell Harbor or the kids that. Let them think I was flaky, let them think I was out shopping or something, let them think anything, as long as they didn't know how bad my life became after I left. I wasn't humbled by my lack of money; I still had pride and an image to preserve, even if my image wasn't that great considering the fact that I worked at a fast food joint. I may have sold my wedding ring so I could buy diamond powder for Marlo so she'd think I cared, but at least I maybe her happy. I honest to goodness did love and care about my children who were currently sleeping upstairs, but I left. They probably thought I hated them; I had to show I didn't, but I didn't know how. Dammit. Why couldn't I learn that looks and things weren't everything? I'd taught my children that because I'd had looks and thing back then; I wish I'd learned.
   The knock on the door interrupted my wallowing in self pity. I didn't deserve pity; I was a bitch, but still. Sometimes it helps, even when you know you're the one in the wrong.
   "The door's unlocked!" I cried out, shoving the bills underneath the couch cushion.
   "Hey, Maya." I heard Harbor say before I saw him. "I just need to give Marlo her toothbrush and Phoebe her phone charger, I'll be quick."
   "They're in there room... I sent them up, since I figured it was getting late."
   "Okay, thanks." He said, walking over to the spiral staircase. I heard him going up, then tiptoeing back downstairs. "They're both asleep." He beamed, as he began walking to the front door.
   "You can stay a bit!" I rashly exclaimed. "I mean if you want."
   "Okay..." He paused. "Are you sure?"
   "Am I- yes, yes. I know that we haven't talked much since that one night and I just... We've been broken up too long to have not made amends. I wanted to apologize."

   "Maya..." He sighed, sitting down on the far end of the couch. "Look. Things... we have this history. I think it's best if we just let everything okay. Don't try to fix things, because I don't know it you can."
   "I want to, though! I'm a bitch, I get that. I tricked you into signing a contract, I told you I'd turn you in as a sex offender, that's some fudged up sugar! I know it is and dammit, I can't... I was thinking today, the kids hate me. I can't deal with you hating me to and I know it's too late with the kid, but with you... maybe you could at least not hate me. You don't have to like me, just, if you could tolerate me."
   "The kids don't hate you. You're their mother and you frustrate them and they may not be fond of you, but they still love you. Besides, you could start showing up to things. Stop treating Marlo with favoritism and stop making empty promises."

  "I'll try... I don't mean to do stuff, I just. Dammit. I use to be able to convince you to do all this sugar, why can't I convince that I've changed?"
   "Maya, we may not be actually divorced, but that's how I explain it to people. Here's the thing with divorces: people don't change. Maybe one day people learn, but they don't change. We're done, over and now we have to accept that we're never going to be together again... And I don't hate you, but you did scar me, I'm not sure that I trust you and sometimes I feel like I'm the only parent... you haven't shown that you've learned, maybe if you did I'd accept it. "
   "I meant to come to her recital tonight, I did, I just couldn't-" I stopped in my tracks; I didn't want to tell him about me not being able to afford transportation.

   "You couldn't what?"
   "Never mind."
   "Tell me. Please."
   "Nothing, bitchy self centered reasons."
   "At least you know that the reasons are bitchy and self centered. That's progress."
   "See?"
   "Maybe I should go..."
   "If you want." I sighed. I'd messed up, I knew it, and I couldn't change his mind.
   "I don't know... One thing, though. I'm going to be taking a small trip in about a month for one week, so I can't watch the kids. Can you?" Watching them meant more money for food and power and water. I'd have to pickup more hours at Speedy McBurgers, but if this is what it took to show that I was indeed responsible and not flaky, I'd do it.
   "Sure, no problem." I shrugged. We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. This was horrible; was this how it was always going to be? We hadn't spent this much time together in so long... "Do you want something to drink?"
   "Sure, soda if you have any... Maybe beer. Or wine. I'm not picky, I'm just hoping that we can get rid of some of this tension and make the situation less painful."
   "Alcohol certainly does those things..."
   "Do you have any?"
   "Um, some red wine that's labeled for cooking... I bought it for pasta sauce, but I guess it's drinkable."
   "Sure." He shrugged, standing up. "I'm guessing it is in the kitchen."
   "Oh yeah. It is." I said, standing up and walking towards the wine. He followed me, glancing around the home he'd hardly stepped a foot inside.
   I threw open the kitchen cabinets and began fishing around for the wine, which I located at the very back. Even in my heels I was too short to reach it, so I turned to ask asked:
   "Hey, pull over a chair, will you?"

   "Huh- uh, um, yeah sure." He immediately pulled his eyes up from my backside to my face. Was he really staring at me? I assumed I was repulsive, but maybe not.
   "Were you staring?" I smirked.
   "Um... not exactly. A friend of mine and I were discussing my romantic life."
   "And?"
   "I have none."
   "Ah. Neither do I."
   "Well... I mean, you're attractive, so if you wanted to..."
   "I'm all stretched out, though. I'm not educated and I'm not nice."
   "You aren't stretched out."
   "Compared to nineteen year olds I am." I said, as climbed up on the chair he'd brought over. I could almost reach the wine, I just needed to stand on my tippy toes. I began teetering, then I was on the floor and pain was shooting through my left ankle. "Dammit." I was cursing just because of the fall; I was running low on laundry and, needless to say, thought it'd be perfectly okay to skip the undergarments, which, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done, considering my choice of attire.
   "Are you okay?" Harbor asked, rushing over to me. He took my hands and helped me stand, which caused my ankle to hurt more. I wanted to scream, yet I couldn't. The children were sleeping and I had done this to myself; smile through it.
   "Oh, um yeah. The wine's in the cabinet, can you get it?"

   "I think you're tipsy enough without alcohol." He smiled. "So, sadly I will not."
   "I... I, yeah." I faintly said. I hadn't realized how handsome his eyes were... so deep, like a heavenly pool of... I felt my knees weaken and it wasn't because of the fall. "You're so handsome..." I whispered. "Are you sure you don't have a romantic life?"
   "I'm sure."
   "You know... you're the only man I've been with." I blurted out, without thinking about how peculiar that'd sound to him.
   "Okay..." He paused, I could tell he was thinks. "Wait. What about the stripper firefighter that one day?"
   "Um..." I began blushing vibrantly; why had I brought this up? "We didn't... I couldn't..." I couldn't sleep with him; he was a decade younger than me and I wanted perfection and perfection meant being faithful to your partner. even if you weren't faithful, you didn't cheat with someone you were paying to sleep with you.
   "Really?" He said, raising an eyebrow. He probably thought I was lying and I couldn't blame him; I wouldn't believe me, either.
   "Yeah... I know it was off topic, I just... I wanted you to know that."
   "Can you get up the stairs?" He quickly asked, changing the subject.
   "Yes." I said, as I began hobbling towards them, then suddenly I began falling, flailing.
   "I'm going to say no." He said quickly, rushing to catch me. "I'll help you."
   "Thanks." I said, holding onto his arm. It was a slow process, but i was able to get up them and into my bedroom, with his help.
   "I think I'm going to let myself out." He said, turning to leave my bedroom.
   "Wait! I mean, just... I'm sorry. Again."
   "I know you are. I'm working on rebuilding my trust for you and..."
   "Harbor..." I quietly whispered, staring into hiss eyes. "I did love you. I honestly use to, even when I did those things to you..."
   "You don't anymore?"
   "I don't know... I don't. No. I know I damaged you and I know you can't let that go. I know you're better off without me."
   "I... yes... I think so, too."
   "Just..." I reached out and grabbed onto his hand, pulling him towards me. He sat down next to me, on the bed. We were so close, our thighs were touching and I could smell his cologne. The scent of cinnamon and manliness wafted into my nostrils, making me wish I could smell him all day long, regardless of how peculiar that sounds. "We're a finished chapter in each other's novels that are our lives."
   "That sounds so poetic and smart... and that's hot."
   "Maya, agree with me: we're done. Okay? Nothing will ever happen again. You said yourself you use to love me, you don't anymore. You don't, okay?"
   "I know... I Harbor... you're so attractive."
   "The pain's making you crazy. I should go."
   "Wait..." I leaned forward, gently placing my lips against his. "You needed a goodnight kiss." I said, after I pulled away to see his face sculpted into shock.
   "We're done. We're done. We're done." He kept repeating that, over and over, and over. I nodded and began saying it too. We were done; I knew that. We had been for so long, I shouldn't have kissed him. But I wanted to... I didn't want a relationship or an emotional attachment, I wanted him to kiss me back. I wanted one last time, I wanted what I hadn't had in so long. Dammit, was that too much to ask?
   "You know, people..." I leaned closer to him, letting him glance down my dress to see the lack of undergarments. "People, they do meaningless stuff all the time. It doesn't have to mean they have feeling for each other; they're motivated by lust and lust alone." I leaned closer, placed my hand on his chest, I began feeling his abs and sculpted chest through his shirt.
   "But it isn't right. Maya, I don't love you and the children could here..."
   "I know." I said. I looked at him and he looked at me and I slowly pulled away; he wasn't interested. Then, I felt his hand on my leg, creeping upwards.
   "Don't think it means that I hate you or that you're ugly. You aren't and I don't hate you."
   "I think I knew... I think I know."
   "I haven't actually been with someone in a long time. It probably wouldn't be good, anyways."
   "The same goes for me."
   "So, we shouldn't." I felt his hand creeping up my thigh. "Humans are complex animals, we have brains that know right and wrong, yet we're still animals with animal urges. Urges that can be difficult to contain."
   "Not impossible, though."
   "No, not impossible. Somehow... somehow, dammit. I'm... look and I don't think a warm shower and I, myself, will be much of a remedy." I glanced down at him and blushed. "My hand or..." I heard him whisper to himself.
   "We're animals."
   "We are, dammit."
   "You can ignore your brain, but your primal instincts take more effort to ignore."
   "They do. Tell me you have them to. Tell me woman have a point of no return. Because, I'm at it and if you don't have one-"
   "I do, oh I do and..." And he was kissing he and I was kissing him and kicking off my heels and pulling open the front of his shirt, he was using his hands to pull my dress up, up, up, until it was off me.

   We could have avoided it, but we'd convinced ourselves we were animals. Sometimes when you put two people together for a long enough time, something will happen, even if you're sure it won't. The loud groans, the wildness, all night exhaustion causing messiness- we didn't have to, we could have not, but dammit we both wanted to, because we'd convinced ourselves we should, even though, in truth, it wasn't because of emotions or anything, it was just because it was convenient and it had been awhile for both of us. And we had assumed we were okay with it... We assumed.