A
wink. I saw it. I was leaving my first day on the job and the guy I
had bumped into in the break room was winking at me. I felt panicked.
He was kind of cute...I can't...trust him...Father...I quickly turned
away and walked to the nearest subway station. I had to stay focused
on my job. Yet he was...special. He was forgiving and nice when I'd
bumped into him; it was even my fault, yet he apologized! I liked
him...no! This can't happen. I can't like him. I needed to forget he
existed. Once I'm promoted, then I can think about talking to him. I
could at least learn his name. No! Focus. Focus, focus, focus. I
started analyzing his smile, wishing I'd said something. At least
learned who he was. No, focus on work, not a stupid guy who will
break your heart! Focus.....
One year later....
“Hey.”
A raven headed girl, named Kirby, greeted me. It had been one year
since they hired me and I had yet to be promoted. I had been so
focused on promotions, I hadn't met any coworkers. “Rumors say it's
you birthday today.”
“Um, yes.” I looked at her, strangely. “How'd you know?”
“The office does this thing in the break room, they hang a list
of birthdays. It started as a prank a few years ago, when a City
Council member said she was turning thirty-nine, when she was really
turning forty-seven. The poor intern who said that she was
thirty-nine, also, asked what year she graduated. She was fired. Now,
they do it every month. Like tradition.”
“Oh...thanks.” I smiled at her.
“Mine's in a week or two. Want to go to the bar and celebrate?”
“Sure.”
“Say, what are you turning?”
“Nineteen.” I admitted.
“Legally, you can't drink.”
“Guess tonight won't work...”
“Nah, I got friends at this Irish pub, they'll serve you, no
question's asked.”
“Cool.” I smiled. I'd tasted some cheap beer when I was a
junior in high school, at the annual picnic. It wasn't good, but
maybe mixed drinks would be better. “Hey, how old are you?”
“Twenty-four. I feel so old, compared to you! I remember when I
was like you, happy, eager for promotion.”
“What position are you?”
“Podium Polisher.”
“Me too...” I regrettably hadn't been promoted yet.
“Tonight, at seven?”
“Seven? Isn't that early?”
“Not really. The place
isn't a high class lounge that doesn't open until midnight, or
anything. It's seven to two. If we get there early, we'll get
discounted liquor.”
“That's good.”
“The liquor? It's okay, not the best. It's only three-fifty a
glass, though so it's perfect when you're on a budget.”
“That's what I meant; the price.” Money wasn't as tight as it
had been, I even bought some new clothing, but I wasn't rich.
“End of the shift.” She glanced at the watch. “What time do
you get off?”
“Six.”
“Perfect. We can go home, clean up, and meet in an hour.”
“Bye.”
“Nice to meet you, Alyce, finally.”
“Nice
to meet you as well.” I smiled. I could ask Kirby about the
handsome man I'd seen that year ago. The mystery man...
Later......
“What do you want?” The bartender asked. I glanced carelessly
at Kirby, I never could remember drink names.
“The special for me and,” she glanced at me, “another for my
friend.”
“Coming right up. Twelve nineteen.” I reached for some cash,
when Kirby said,
“I'll pay.” She handed him three fives. “Keep the change.”
The bartender grunted in reply and handed us a small tray that had
two glasses sitting on it.
We drank the concoction quickly, as I felt the effects of the
drink. I felt a little more relaxed and happier. What was I drinking?
“This is good and let me repay you.”
“Thanks. I have no idea what it is. Alyce, you can't pay someone
for a birthday gift!”
“But-”
“Nope. It's a gift.”
“So...that guy in the office...”
“Which one?”
“He's darker skinned, kinda tannish. Blackish brown hair.” I
couldn't bring myself to say cute. I wasn't going to ask about him
until I was promoted, but I couldn't help it. I just won't get to
know him until I'm promoted.
“Do you mean- ? Are you interested?”
“Well...I don't know. Maybe...a little...What's his name?”
Yes. I liked the guy a lot.
“Johnny Jones. You should introduce yourself.”
“I couldn't...”
“Why?”
“Is he single?” I blurted out.
“I don't know. He doesn't say to much about his personal life.”
“Great.”
I sarcastically said.
“What?”
“Well...I made a deal to not meet him until I was promoted...”
“With who?”
“Myself...” I sheepishly said.
“Break the promise. What if he's the one and you're too scared
to even talk to him?”
“I'm not scared!” I defensively said.
“Then what are you?”
“I have some...commitment issues...mainly based on trust
issues...”
“Daddy problems?”
“NO.” I quickly said. I wasn't letting anyone into that
private part of my brain, yet.
“Fine. Whatever you say.” Oh no. I didn't make her mad, did
I?'
“I'm sorry!”
“Sorry? Honey, relax. I'm joking.”
“Joking. Yeah, I, um, knew that.” My blush deepened.
“Look, I have a big project tomorrow. Mind if I dash?”
“Not at all.”
“Need a ride?”
“I couldn't, you-”
“Alyce, please learn to accept help occasionally.”
“Okay...a ride might be nice.”
“Thanks for excepting.”
“Thanks for offering.”
“No problamo amigo.”
“Amigo?”
“I took Spanish in high school. That's the only thing I
remember.”
“Ah.” We rode in silence to my apartment. Was I really going to
talk to Johnny Jones? My heartbeat quicker just by thinking about
him. Was this what it was like when you liked someone? Did your
heartbeat faster, do you suddenly become self conscious when they're
around? Do you think about them all the time? I'd stayed away from
guys in high school; I was too afraid of what my Mother would say. I
was too afraid to have my heartbroken.
“Here we are.” Kirby said, interrupting my thoughts.
“Thanks.” I smiled in the dark, climbing out of the vehicle. My
thoughts drifted back over to Johnny as I cleaned up for bed and
drifted off to sleep. Cute. Friendly. Career focused. That's what
I'd want in a guy. That's what I've found.
I was ecstatic. I hopped out of bed and was ready to go in record
time. I hadn't realized it myself, but I was looking forward to
officially meeting Johnny. I was tired of holding myself back and
fearing every man. Girls could just be friends with guys, right? No
ever said they had to date.
“Morning Alyce.” A friendly secretary greeted me. I had no idea
what her name was, but she was being cheerful, something new to me.
I was use to ignoring everyone and trying to focus on my paperwork.
“Morning. Beautiful day today, isn't it?” I tired making small
talk.
“Why yes...yes it was.” She looked surprised at my reaction.
Was I that cold; that mean, in the office? “Boss would like to see
you in his office ASAP.”
“Thanks.” I smiled. I turned and quickly walked to the boss's
office. “Knock, knock?”
“Come in.”
“Yes sir.” I opened the door and looked around. His office was
a nice sized and well furnished, something I'd always wanted for an
office.
“Sit.” He gestured to the leather chairs across from his desk.
I sat. “Alyssa,”
“Alyce, sir.”
“Alyce, you've done excellent work lately. You're the new intern
we hired last week?”
“No, sir. I'm the, uh, Podium Polisher. You hired me a year ago.”
“Ah, well...I've seem to put myself in quiet a predicament. I was
going to promote that woman, but you'll do. Congratulations, you're
the new Ballot Counter.”
“Prom-! Oh my gosh, thank you sir!” I'm finally promoted. This
is what I've been waiting for...I was promoted. Johnny Jones. “Is
that all?”
“You may return to work.”
“'Kay, er, um, bye.” I scrambled out of his office. “Oh,
sorry.” I bumped into a man who was carrying a folder. I hate my
clumsy, awkwardness.
“My fault.” He looked up and smiled. “Johnny Jones.” He
stuck out his hand.
“Alyce Janes.” I shook his hand and smiled. “Hey, would you
maybe, uh, get, er, um, orangutan!” I blushed. I'd panicked and
said something idiotic. He wasn't ever going to talk tome again.
“Orangutan.” He chuckled. “You know, I'd love to do that, but
how about coffee first?”
“Coffee, that'd be great!” I rushed through my sentence.
“When's your break?”
“Well, it's four so...I get off in two hours. But,” I paused.
“I could probably get the afternoon off.”
“Really? How?” The playfulness danced in his eyes.
“Er-ugh!” I clutched my stomach. “Oh dear! The paaainn.” I
made some heaving noises.
“Ms. Janice-”
“Janes.” I whispered, as I hunched over in pain.
“Janes. Do you need something?” My boss's door cracked open.
“I'd hate-bleehhh! Okay...”
“You, may go....for today...”
“Thank you.” I grabbed Johnny's hand and we sauntered off, him
in a half worried, half confused look, me pretending to be sick.
“You should try acting.” He said, shaking his head. It was eight
pm and we were sitting in front of the Starbucks, we'd been in a
couple minutes ago, drinking lattes. The afternoon had been a
whirlwind of romantic comedy perfect for any sitcom.
“Thanks, but politics tend to be my cup of tea.”
“Ah. Another wide eyed country girl who's determined to make life
work. How old are you?”
“Nineteen. How old are you?”
“Twenty-six.”
“Really? You look really young.”
“Thanks.” His smile lit up my world. He sat on the ground,
patting the seat next to him.
“The ground?” I stared at disdain at the cold, dirty concrete
of Bridgeport's sidewalks.
“We can watch the stars.” He smiled again.
“Fine.” Stupid smile, making me do this. We pointed out
constellations, talking, laughing, all night. “Wow, it's eleven.”
“Crap. My wife will kill me.”
“Wif-?” He was married. I gazed at his hand. A golden wedding
ring with Diana etched on it was on his finger. So much for my
happily ever after.
“She's uptight....I hate it...”
“Why'd you marry her?” Oops. “That's a little personal, isn't
it?”
“It's okay.” He reassuringly looked at me. “She was
special...we met in high school...we were both kinda nerds....she was
head of the debate team, belonged to some weird Gothic vampire, club
and I was
the kid who made a few jokes, was kinda friends with everyone, yet no
one at the same time. You know? It was a weird thing. We were both
outcasts, yet we belonged. We dated awhile...we didn't really have
anyone else to tell us that normal couples didn't fight all the time
and hated seeing each other...she needed plasma and I was just a
horny teen hoping for action...I proposed to her two years ago....I
hated my life ever since...”
“Ohmuy...I didn't realize...I'm so sorry. Do you want to stay at
my place?”
“If you're sure.”
“I'll sleep on the couch.”
“I can, I'm the intruder.”
“No.” I looked him in the eyes. “Come on.” We stood up and
pranced to the nearest subway station.
At my apartment, I began to feel a little dizzy.
“Are you ok-?”
My body hit the ground, like a stone. I was out cold.
“Alyce? Alyce, can you hear me?” I sat up groggily.
“Yeah, I'm fine. What happened?”
“You passed out.” I realized I was lying on the couch, my suit
jacket and shoes placed gently on my dresser.
“I did?” I tried standing up.
“Sit, sit.”
“Nah, I'm fine. Honestly, Johnny.”
“I feel bad, but...I start work in half an hour. I have a big
presentation, but I can skip it if you-”
“No! I mean, I'm fine. Go to work.” I smiled, encouragingly.
“Do you need anything? Should I tell the boss that you're sick?”
“I'll come in. I need,” Money. I needed the money, but I
couldn't tell him that. “I need to work on a, uh, project as well.
Deadlines, bosses, you know.”
“Okay, if you're sure.” I walked him over to the door. We stood
there, gazing into each others eyes, hypnotized. Then, it happened.
He leaned forwards, slowly. I could feel his breath on my skin. His
lips touched mine. For a second, I stood there, wanting to kiss him
back.
“No!” I ripped away, a minute to soon, yet all to late.
“Johnny, you should, I should..your wife.” I shut the door in his
face. I can't trust men. I can't. This is what they do. Seem all
sweet and romantic and cute and...damn it. I love him.
Life is odd. Alex is four years old, I'm twenty-four, and Johnny is twenty-nine, on the verge of turning thirty. We're both so young, yet our life seems to perfectly planned out. No suspense, no mystery, just the norm. Johnny and I don't discuss our relationship much. We're winging it with the roommates who kinda date, raise a child together, and hook up a lot relationship. Trying turning that into a Facebook status; you aren't single, yet somehow you aren't one hundred percent committed.Not that I have complaints. He is the man I'd love to grow old with, yet somehow everything seems to be coasting along, just barely getting by. Money isn't tight, but we can't afford life's luxuries. We try to talk, but there's always one thing that gets in our way: my commitment issues. I can't talk about marriage without freaking out; freaking out leads to me chickening out of the relationship, taking Alex, and leaving Johnny with a note scribbled on the back on this month's cable bill about why I've gone to Aruba. 
"What? That's great! We can live togeth-" He stopped mid-sentence. He never considered what life would be like if I said no. 
"What are these?"
"Johnny." I took, his hands as he slipped the ring on my finger. "I love you, I'll never leave you, and-" Never leave him. I felt myself panic. What if I couldn't do this? What if I wanted to leave? What if Johnny stopped loving me? What if this was a trick? What if-No. No more ifs. I was getting married, that was final. I was getting married.
