1.5: Only Your Proposal

   Life is odd. Alex is four years old, I'm twenty-four, and Johnny is twenty-nine, on the verge of turning thirty. We're both so young, yet our life seems to perfectly planned out. No suspense, no mystery, just the norm. Johnny and I don't discuss our relationship much.  We're winging it with the roommates who kinda date, raise a child together, and hook up a lot relationship. Trying turning that into a Facebook status; you aren't single, yet somehow you aren't one hundred percent committed.Not that I have complaints. He is the man I'd love to grow old with, yet somehow everything seems to be coasting along, just barely getting by. Money isn't tight, but we can't afford life's luxuries. We try to talk, but there's always one thing that gets in our way: my commitment issues. I can't talk about marriage without freaking out; freaking out leads to me chickening out of the relationship, taking Alex, and leaving Johnny with a note scribbled on the back on this month's cable bill about why I've gone to Aruba. 

  "Hi, Mommy." Alex came waddling outside, Johnny not far behind.

  "Hey, sweetie." I smiled, my thoughts interrupted by the voice of my little metaphorical angelic devil.

  "Alex wanted to tell you something. I've thought him a new word." Johnny winked at me. What did that mean?

   "Okay," I picked him up and swung him around. "What does Alex have to tell Mommy?"

   "Mommy marry Daddy?"

  "Oh, honey." I chuckled and kissed his forehead, setting him back on the stone flooring. "Joh-" I turned around and gasped.

 "Alyce Janes, I loved you since the day I met you. You're adorable, , lovable, and a great mother and a cute clumsy girl I have a coffee stained shirt to prove it." He chuckled at the memory of the day we first met. "I know that you don't like to think about forever, but I do. I picture myself with you. I  don't know how to say this, but....will you marry me?"
   Oh my gosh. He proposed. Proposed to me. I felt the giddy inner teenager in me want to scream yes.  I wanted to. The tears began to stream down my face, staining it with mascara. He didn't know. Yet.
  "I'm...I'm pregnant." I whispered.
  "What? That's great! We can live togeth-" He stopped mid-sentence. He never considered what life would be like if I said no.
   "How can we afford..."
   "Alyce. I love you." He hugged me.
   "I-I love you, too. Yes."
   "Yes? Yes!" He cheered, slipping the ring on the finger and swinging me around. We kissed and kissed, until the dusky night blared into pitch black.
   "That...I said I loved you."
   "Yes, you did. You finally did." He smiled at me, taking my hands.
   "I can't beleive that you proposed..."
   "Hey, it's only a proposal."
   "Your proposal."
   "My proposal? Whaat does that mean?"
    "It means I'd never accept anyone else's."
   "That's all I needed to hear." He gazed into my eyes.
   "I feel idiotic, but what, when, are we going to do for the ceremony?"
   "I'm one step ahead." He pulled out a stack of papers.
   "What are these?"
   "Marriage papers. Sign these and legally we're married." We sat down, filled out all the forms, and prepared to exchange rings until I said:
   "Names...."
   "Alyce, what do you want to do?"
   "I love Janes....I couldn't..."
   "Meet Johnny Janes."
   "Really?"
   "I just signed the papers. It's official."
   "Vows?"
   "I love you. I don't know how I could-"
   "Johnny." I took, his hands as he slipped the ring on my finger. "I love you, I'll never leave you, and-" Never leave him. I felt myself panic. What if I couldn't do this? What if I wanted to leave? What if Johnny stopped loving me? What if this was a trick? What if-No. No more ifs. I was getting married, that was final. I was getting married.
   "I know pronounce you husband and wife." Johnny said.
  "Mister, you're totally kissing the bride." I giggled, as I French kissed the lucky man. "Come on," I grabbed his hand. "Prepare for your honey moon." I took him upstairs, found my fancy frills, and we didn't say another word for the remainder of the evening.

   Far in the Future.....

  Commitment is scary. I can't decide if I made the right choice...I know I did....sometime I doubt myself, though. Is that wrong? I sometimes wonder what would have happened if my taxi cab had just kept driving into the sunset, never stopping in Bridgeport. We'd be in some random town with no gas in the car. I'd never be a mom, I'd not be married...sometimes I wanted that. Sometimes I wish life was different....I look into the face of my children, my husband, and know I did everything right. I messed up a couple times, yet somehow they've forgiven me. That's all I needed. As my thoughts become blurry and my heartbeat slows, I realize my life is complete. I can go.
   "I love you....never....never forget your regrets; they're your best decision, you just never realized it. Moving to Bridgeport was mine...." I closed my eyes as I hear the tears rush down everyone's faces.  "Tell him, tell him..." My voice falters; I let myself drift off, I never spoke another word. I was complete.