"Well, sleepy head-"
"Gah!" I exclaimed; someone was in here?"
"What, you don't remember?" Chuckled a, I lifted my eyelid a hair to see a purple haired gorgeous girl sitting at the foot of my bed. What was her name? Ah, yes. Violet Glitterbottom, the stripper I'd done some rather unsavory things with.
"Violet... what happened?" I shut my eyes again, my head pounding.
"First, let me get you an aspirin and water." I heard her standing up and shuffling around, then I felt her handing me a plastic water bottle and a pill bottle. I squinted and popped open the pill bottle, swallowed an aspirin, then chugged a bit of water.
"Thank you." I gratefully said, feeling a tad bit better, but still pretty horrid.
"No problem." She daintily replied. "What's the last thing you remember doing?
"We finished our... session? Is that the right word? We finished our session, then we headed down to the bar and I did shots."
"Okay... after the shots we smoked a bit, then some chick named Maya called you, you kept calling the phone magic box and saying she had a tiny person in her, so I think she's pregnant. Than you told me you had to go, but I asked you to stay with me and you did and we hit up a couple casinos or something. I don't really remember what happened after we left the club."
"Wait... wait, Maya's... Maya's pregnant?" Holy hell. Holy hell. We'd... we'd done it a month ago, the timing, what if... dammit.
"Yeah." She shrugged. "Who is Maya, anyways? You seemed pretty torn up last night."
"Dammit... wait, one thing, at any point last night have uh, intercourse?"
"I don't think so." She shrugged. "Either way, I'm STD free, I sure as hell hope you are, and nothing else could happen."
"Something else could happen... SOmething, like... Violet, Maya is my ex-wife."
"Oh..." She flinched. "That bites... I'm sorry. Do you know who her baby daddy is?"
"I... I think I am."
"What?! When was your divorce?"
"A few years ago... but, uh, see, uh... about four weeks ago both of us were lonely and it was convenient, that's all. We decided afterwards it is best to keep things civil and we don't actually have any emotional connection, anyway, so we thought no big deal."
"Apparently it is a big deal..."
"I guess so and if we, you know, then maybe you could, you know be-"
"Pregnant?! Ha. God, no."
"It could happen."
"No it can't. Not to be."
"What do you mean?"
"I had surgery. I can't have kids."
"You... okay, so-" Suddenly a phone began blaring Canon in D. "What's that?"
"Your phone, I think."
"My- crud, I think I borrowed Walter Wallace's." I quickly picked up the phone and answered. "Hello?"
"Harbor, what the hell, man?"
"Wallace?"
"Yes, I'm on a pay phone. How could you do that?"
"I'm sorry for taking your phone, I'll give it back ASAP, I swear. I'll pay for any damages, I just, right now I'm in some cruddy motel with Violet and it isn't a great time."
"You think I'm talking about the phone? I go through phone's like bubble gum, I don't care if you have it. I meant all the pictures you sent Morris."
"What pictures?"
"You don't remember? You're with the stripper, the bill must be insane by now, dude we only paid for an hour, and you're doing this weird stuff. Gambling, smoking, at one point you sent a picture of the stripper completely naked pole dancing use a sign advertising a quickie wedding chapel. Dude, those knockers are insane, by the way. And the piercings and tats? Clad we hired that one instead of Redemption; Violet seems much wilder."
"Crud, crud, crud. What have I done?"
"That's not all."
"It isn't? It cannot get much worse than impregnating your ex-wife, can it? Unless it is that."
"Wait you- I didn't know you'd... I... wow. I hate to tell you this over the phone, no it isn't the Maya thing, but you sent us this picture from the chapel."
"Alright."
"Dude, you married the stripper!"
"Please tell me you're joking. Please. Say it. Dear God, please say you are."
"I'm sorry. I called up the chapel, pretending to be your brother, and they confirmed it. You are legally married according to the state of Nevada. Also, your, ehem, wife got married stark naked, then started running around outside the chapel, apparently, because the police arrested her for public nudity and noise violation."
"She was- just. Dammit."
"We bailed her out this morning and drove you two to a cheap motel on the Vegas outskirts. We're waiting in the lobby."
"Okay... Okay."
"Look, we're lawyers, if you want, we can get you out of this marriage to Delilah Alice Rosewood-Janes before you can blink."
"I... can you explain this to Vio- erhm, Delilah?"
"I guess. Isn't that the husband's job, though?" I handed the female who was apparently my wife the phone, as she gave me a quizzical look. There was a lot of yeses and nos and what the hells and oh Gods, but eventually she hung up and turned to face me.
"What are we going to do?"
"I don't know."
"I just..." She stood near the window, next to me. "I barely know you."
"I didn't even know your real name." I pointed out.
"Delilah Alice Rosewood. Well, Rosewood-Janes now."
"Harbor Cohen Janes. I have an older sister, Basil, like the plant, and a twin sister named Wren who mysteriously disappeared one day. We still have no idea where the hell she is, but the PI suspected drug and gang activity."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all in the past." I shrugged. "We were never the closest, anyway. I was a very naive, sensitive child and she disliked those traits."
"I don't have any siblings; my parents got a divorce when I was seven because I dunno. It was the thing to do at the time."
"Maya and I got divorced a few years ago, because of money and fighting."
"Ah... do you have any children?"
"Two daughters, one just turned fifteen, the other thirteen. And my ex-wife's kid, now."
"Oh dear..."
"I don't want to have kids. I liked kids, I want to be an art teacher at an elementary school, but I don't want to actually have kids."
"Why?" I pressed.
"They just... Look, I don't want kids. I'm not evil, not a satan worshipping, not a horrid person, I just feel like I'd be happiest with a family of two."
"Okay... I was just curious."
"I know. I get a lot of crud from people, though, because they say I'll get baby fever though and how if I don't have kids who will take care of me when I'm older. The world is overpopulated enough and you don't have to have kids to have a fulfilling life."
"Oh... well, you're sorta step-mom to Phoebe, the fifteen year old, and Marlo now."
"If we stay married."
"That's a big if. What should we do?"
"I don't know."
"Did you have a LA relationship?"
"There was a crush, but I never acted on it." She shrugged. "He wasn't really into it."
"I'm sorry."
"Eh. it's okay. He's dating this mega hot vet. I couldn't compete with that.. even though we've been friends since I moved to the city... Just. You know."
"Okay... what about us?"
"I don't know. Where do you live?"
"Virgin Islands."
"Crud. I'm in LA. Am I just suppose to give up my future?"
"No! No, do what's best for you."
"I'm just scared... I don't want to end up like my parents, if we go for it. Besides, I think I'd be a cruddy step-mum. Probably evil, like in the movies."
"I don't us to end up like my last marriage." I glanced down. "Is this vomit on my leg?"
"Looks like it."
"Mind if I go shower?"
"Not at all." I turned to see Delilah giggling like a four year old.
"What?"
"Your tattoo."
"What tattoo?"
"The one on you back. The 'I heart llamas' one."
"When did I... last night," I sighed. New marriage, new tattoo, new baby. Could last night have been any worse?
"I'm not going to the Virgin Islands."
"I don't think I could go to LA."
"And what about your ex? If she's pregnant..."
"I'll be there for her, but I'm not heading own the marriage road with her again."
"Not very noble."
"You don't understand. The pain, the suffering... we're finally civil, I'm not going to ruin that."
"You both kinda did when you couldn't keep your horny hands to yourself."
"I know... I know." Suddenly she gasped.
"I have an idea!"
"What?"
"Well," she dramatically paused. "Normal people don't do this. Why do we?"
"I don't want to have to have another ex-wife, for starters."
"But don't have to get a divorce. You live in your city, I live in mine, my life isn't exactly going anywhere as of now; I'm hoping my career will start soon, and when I turn thirty, four years from now, my life hasn't gotten better and both of us have decided what the hell, we'll spend the rest of our live together; I'll even stop dying my hair and play the cutesy suburban PTA mom part."
"That's insane. What if we don't think what the hell?"
"Annulment. Simple as that; obviously this is a big choice, why not think it over?"
"Thinking if over for four years is a long, long time."
"So? Do you have a better plan? Look, you're nice enough and so far I've only been able to date idiots in bands who have arrest records up to their ears. Why not? You've got an ex-wife and kids and not a lot of money, so you're either going to end up one of three ways. Alone, with another mid-thirties soccer mom divorcee, or with some insane chick who decides she likes you, like me."
"I... I'm fairly certain no one else will get the plan and think it is a good idea, but sure. I've got nothing to lose." And with that I agreed to the most insane, least thought out plan of the century.
NOTE: Hey... I will (finally be ending) Harbor's generation in a chapter or two, so stay tuned! P.S. I'm not doing a poll this time, because I've sorta got the details worked out, so yes.
*scratches head* I feel like an annulment would have been easier, but I guess... some people don't want to be twice divorced? Like it makes them feel like a failure or something? Idk, LOL! I don't think divorce equals failure, I think it just means things didn't work out and that was the way out of unhappiness. Then after the divorce you can try to find what makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Harbor feels like he shouldn't have gotten married to Delilah in the first place and my getting an annulment he'd be acknowledging his "failure". If he ignores the marriage, he ignores the "failure".
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