9.0: Step-Moms and Explanations

   "Shh, shh! Oh it'll be okay." I cooed to Anderson, who had been overwhelmingly fussy lately. I felt bad for him; I, being a just out of high school, unemployed, eighteen year old, wasn't exactly mummy material. Mom wasn't exactly mom material either, but at least she sorta knew what she was doing- I had no clue and no experience.
   "Fee-Fee! Nah, nah." He screamed at a volume I didn't think was humanly possible for a three year old to be at.

   "Fee-Fee's trying." I whispered. Fee-Fee was his nickname for me that I didn't like, but put up with. At least it wasn't be-be or sissy or something much more terrible. "Really, I am."
   "Me don't wanna shh!"
   "Hush little Anderson, don't say a word, Phoebe's gonna buy you a," I began humming, hoping this would calm him down before the neighbors came over, screaming at me to shut the dang kid up.
   "Me don't wanna shh!" He repeated. I sighed. Usually he was a smiling, talkative, inquisitive, yet well behaved toddler, but today all he could was scream and cry.
   "What do you want to do?" I exasperatedly snapped. I tried keeping my composure around him, his teeny tiny world was completely shaken up because mama and daddy and Ma-wuh-lo were bye bye, he didn't need to see me to have a meltdown, but it was difficult. I had, surprisingly, taken their losses rather well. I had locked myself in my bedroom for a solid month, crying and eating nothing but takeout, but after that month I signed up for grief therapy, after three months of that the phycologist and I agreed that I was stable and nearly done with the healing process and I should try and give myself a life that I could call normal.
   Anderson complicated things a bit; I was legally an adult and therefore could be his guardian, if I wasn't he'd end up in the system, a fate that would make me cringe. The Virgin Islands had kept him in custody until I'd been proven to be a fit guardian, then I gained custody of the toddler brother I loved so dearly. Now, nearly six months after their deaths, I was 'the girl whose family died' or 'the orphan' or 'the girl who is trying the best she can to hold her life together'. Whenever I went grocery shopping or to the beach or museum with Anderson, I heard the whispers, saw them staring, as people sympathetically gave me discounts on a variety of items and words of wisdom and guidance. I was the girl raising her toddler brother who had no other family. My grandparents were deceased, my Aunt Wren one, my Aunt Basil... well, I'd never met her before, but I presumed that she was getting older, had her own family, her own worried. The government was happy to not have to deal with Anderson anymore; they didn't bother researching my family history to try and find some distant relative.
   "I want park." He said, stopping the screaming and stream of tears.
   "You want to go to the park?"
   "Yeah, yeah." He grinned at me. "We go to park!"
   "Okay, but what do you say first, when you're asking for something?"
   "Pwease we go to park?" I nodded and he began clapping.
   "I should get your stroller and jacket; it's such a nice day, with the breeze and all, we can walk."
   "Yay, yay, walkie to the park."
   "Yeah. We are going to walk to the park."

   "Yay!" I set him in his baby swing, turned it onto low, then walked into the office slash nursery. I hadn't managed to keep mom or dad's home; I downgraded to a two bedroom, one bathroom, one story place that was alright and in the okay part of the island. It was not the luxury artsy studio I envisioned myself living in, but at least it wasn't a trailer or a cardboard box.
   "Hmm..." I glanced down at the baby sweaters that I'd neatly hung up in the closet. That was the one thing I loved about having a toddler; everything made for them was so tiny and adorable. I don't think I could have my own child at this age, I wasn't sure when I wanted my own kids, I just knew I wanted three or four, but I could raise my brother... Sometimes I wonder whether or not I could raise my niece, if she hadn't joined her mommy in whatever form of the afterlife existed. I think she would have grown up watching Marlo preform, seen the backstage glitter and glam and sweat and pain and joy and maybe grown up to have a career in dancing. Maybe she'd be a ballerina, maybe she would have been a choreographer, maybe she would have designed sets or costumes for dancers who were just like her mummy. I'd take her to the ballet studio and we'd smile and watch a recital and then we'd tour backstage as people reminisced about Marlo.

   I stopped thinking of what could have been, grabbed the first sweater my eyes landed on, and scurried back out to Anderson. I didn't need to wallow in the past, I needed to keep moving forward, just like my therapist told me to do.
   "Ready to go?" I asked him, picking him up and helping him put on his sweater.
   "Yeah, Fee-Fee. Me is."
   "Yay! Let's go." I grabbed the stroller, then opened the front door. I quickly stepped out, locked the door, then buckled Anderson into the stroller. I began strolling at a leisurely pace, as he pointed out the colors of flowers and how birds were flying and he wanted to know how.

   "Lookie, Fee-Fee!" He gasped, as if something had just made his tiny brain implode.
   "At what?" I curiously asked.
   "She got purple hair." He began wildly pointing at a lady who was standing a few yards away, looking rather befuddled as she glanced around the street.
   "Oh, Andy, don't point."
   "Why?"
   "It isn't nice."
   "Why?"
   "Because... because, uh..." When I was little, my parents told me not to point at people, so I didn't. How was I suppose to explain why you shouldn't to him without saying something along the lines of 'because I said so'? I despised that phrase as a child and vowed never to use it, but right now it seemed the easiest thing to say. "Because-"
   "Purple girl am coming over." She exclaimed. It was true; she was casually jogging over to us.
   "Um, hello." She said. I hadn't seen her before, which was rare, considering how small the island was. "I'm Delilah. Do you know the city well? I'm looking for someplace and lost..."
   "Oh, I'm alright with directions and general places, where are you trying to get to?"
   "Well, I was given this address a few months ago by a man, then I started a new job and couldn't come until now. I went to it and nobody was home..."
   "What address is it?" She pulled out a sheet of paper and showed me. Something about it was familiar, somet- oh my gosh.
   "Are you sure that that is right?"

   "Yeah, um, Harbor Janes, ever heard of him?"
   "Are... are you joking? Is this some sort of prank?"
   "What? No, why would it be? Is he like a prankster or something?"
   "I..."
   "Janes... me Andwson Janes."
   "Anderson Janes?" She, Delilah who was rather puzzled, said. "Are you... May, Marissa, it began with an M. I can't remember."
   "Maya?"
   "Yes!" She said, smiling and snapping her fingers. "Maya. I knew it began with a M."
   "No, she was my mother... how do you know Harbor?"
   "He's your father." She gasped. "You're Marissa, Maddy, it's another M name or that one that girl from Friends had, um Phoebe?"
   "I'm Phoebe."
   "I'm... remember when your dad went to Vegas?"
   "Vaguely."
   "Well, we sorta, um... got hitched. Only we didn't know each other that well, so we thought, what the hell, why not go on living our separate lives and in four years meet back up and decide what to do about the whole marriage thing." That plan seemed so ridiculous, so foolish, so irresponsible... it had to have been my dad's.

   "So, wait. You're-you're my step-mom? I need to sit down."
   "I am, but I don't like the term step-mom. See, I'm not exactly wanting to be a mom. I love kids, I'm an elementary school art teacher, but mom isn't something I'm good at."
   "Okay..." I paused. "What should I call you?"
   "Delilah, I guess. My full name's Delilah Alice Rosewood-Janes."

   "Alright." I mumbled glancing down. "Would you like to come to my house? I… I have some news about my dad."

   "Sure." She smiled. "Oh and I have the marriage certificate, in case you were wondering the legitimacy of this."

   "Thanks." I said, as I lead her to the house. I slowly walked up the porch stairs, unlocked the door, and stepped inside. I felt self conscious about the size of the home; I loved it because it was mine, I'd rented in and got to design it myself, yet I'd never had a visitor over before, and that made me nervous. "Sit, sit." I gestured towards the couch. "Would you like something to drink? Water, milk, coffee, green tea?"

   "No thanks." She smiled, sitting down. "I just wanna hear about Harbor."

   "Alright…" I sighed, buckling Anderson back into the swing. "Um, first, may I ask you one thing? It may seem weird, but go with it."

   "What is it?"

   "Well, did you, um, did you remain," I glanced at Anderson, "faithful during the four years you guys were married, but not together?"

   "Yep. I had, had, as in in the past, a crush on a really good friend, but it didn't really go anywhere. See, he was dating this vet for like four years, but they broke up like three months ago, though. Did Harbor not remain faithful? Look, I get it. He's got an ex-wife, I'm guessing she's probably your mom, and if he wants out, I'm totally cool with it." Darn it. I was hoping she'd admit to not being faithful, I could tell her my dad wasn't, and she'd leave me with my content little life and I'd never have to tell her about their deaths.

   "How do you feel about my dad? Do you love him?"

   "Do I love- er." She looked down. "I don't really know him, sweetie. I like him. He seems nice."

   "Okay." I took a deep breath. "He's dead."

   "He's… he's what?" I expected some tears,but instead she just started breathing heavier, looking from me to Anderson, then back at me. "What?"

   "I'm sorry. Six monthsago, almost. Heart attack. My mom and sister are also…" I was going to cry. Stay strong, stay strong. "You know."

   "What? No..." She began tearing up, but then she wiped her eyes, exhaled, and smiled at me. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. D you need anything? Money? Anything?"

   "No... I thought you'd take it worse."

   "I... I feel weird. I didn't know him that well; we were strangers, but... Still. You're an orphan. That's terrible. Honey, I'm so, so, sorry."

   "I'm okay. I've got Anderson."

   "I have a two bedroom apartment in LA, I'm... If you need…"

   "I couldn't. I barely know you; you barely know me, it wouldn't be right."

   "C'mon. Please? I'm your step-mom. Step-mom... That sounds so weird. You're like twelve years younger than me… I could book a flight for tomorrow, just, what do ya day? You're a kid and you're raising your brother; you need someone there. Someone to help. Why not let it be me?"

   "I… can I sleep on it?" 

   "Sure."

   Should I say yes? Should I say no thank you? I didn't know her that well, but what did I have to lose? The end if the month was coming, so for rent everything would be alright… maybe I should.  It I'd lived in Isla Paridiso my whole life, plus I'd have to get US citizenship or a visa, if I was going to be living there. I… what was I going to say? What about Anderson? My mind flooded with thoughts- I'd have a lot of thinking to do tonight.