4.3: Growing Up

   Her words lingered in my mind, even after a year. The boy's first birthday was today. The one year anniversary of her disappearance. And their appearance. Chase and Steven. Steven and Chase. I sat at my laptop, as they slumbered. Move on. I could do that.I finished attempting to set up my online dating profile, a mug of coffee, my new addiction sitting my my laptop. Online dating is not the best place to find potential mothers. Older woman wanting to cheat on their husbands, looking for a fresh face? Yes. Old men pretending to be a hot twenty something year old girl? Absolutely. A girl who's around my age, likes children, and wants to date a twenty year old who has twin boys who are a year old and has finally managed to throw out the old sweater his ex-girlfriend left yesterday? Not exactly a common find. I logged out of my profile, ignoring the message someone sent me.
   I had been working on a case lately, solving it fairly easy. I busted a small criminal circle who where petty thieves. They stole gift cards from stores. Not activated ones, but the kind you couldn't use until a cashier scanned them. Approximately six stores suffered a loss off plastic. The only thing worse than a criminal is a dumb criminal; if you can even call the gift card brigade a criminal. With the case rolling in big bucks from thankful stores and the twins, I didn't have much time for a social life. In fact, I didn't have time for much of anything.
   "Whahh!" I heard one of the babies cry out. I stood up, shutting the lid of my laptop.
   "Oh Chase." I picked him up. He didn't need a diaper change and I fed him before I logged onto my computer; about seven minutes ago. He couldn't be hungry that soon, could he? "It's your birthday today. Yes it is. Yes it is!" He giggled, looking at me. "Are you ready to blow out the cake?" I moved to the center of the room, where I had set up a table and two birthday cakes. "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday Chase, happy happy happy birthday to you! I love you so much." I sang. "And now it's Steven's turn!" I sing-talked. I picked him up from the rocker, placing Chase on the floor to play with the toys I'd bought. I was lucky; Calina had decorated everything for me. She may not be a fan of children, but she did appreciate nice interior design. Does. Did. Do I refer to her in past or present tense? She isn't dead...but she might as well be. These are the things that bother me. The small details. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to hate her, or memorialize her, or pretend she didn't happen, or what.

     "Happy birthday, happy happy birthday! Happy birthday to Steven. And many more. I love you." I said. I loved both of my boys, regardless of the circumstances. I'm healing...I don't wish Calina was here for me. I just regret her not being here to see the boys grow up. I have no idea where she is or I would try and send her pictures of everything. I know she doesn't want to be a mother, but doesn't she deserve to see her children? I've forgiven her. I was upset, but then it hit me. I have the boys. I can despise her all I want, but without her I wouldn't be a father. I can wish she stayed, but she wouldn't like it. She would hate every moment of it, making life miserable for the boys. She wouldn't purposely do it; it would just happen.

 Dear Calina,
   I know that you'll never receive this letter; I won't send, even if I did I don't know where I would. Life began flying by, once they began toddlers. Chase is talking. You'll never guess what his first word was. it was no! I was trying to have him say daddy, but he refused:
    "Say daddy!"
    "No." He giggled.
    "No! That's right! No." Even though he was ignoring me, he still said his first word. No. Chase was defiantly going to be the rebel of the pair. Steven has begun walking; he skipped crawling and decided he wanted to go places the big boy way.

He is a lot less chatty than Chase was. Of course, since his older brother was walking, Chase had to as well:

I wish you could see them; they're growing up so fast. You would be proud, if you knew. You wouldn't be the one mother who's teaching her sons everything, you probably would be quietly reading a book about Australia or something, but you'd be annoyed. I know you would be, even if you where proud..... Their birthdays was eleven months ago. I'm moving on; I hate to sound rude, but I'm not missing you as much. I wish you where here for your sons, but I understand it's better this way. I still love you, but not... it's hard to explain. You're the mother of my child. You'll always have a special place in my heart, excuse the poetry, I know you hate it, but I'm not in puppy dog love. I'm thinking of you more like a really good friend than a wife or girlfriend. Sorry. I don't know how to explain it. 
    If there's one thing I know you wouldn't miss, it's the potty training! Chase is against it, completely. Steven was okay, but Chase refuses. He gives me this little look, like he's saying: "Why me? Why? Please don't make me do this." He giggles and tries to run away, but I catch him and bring him back. I started giving little stickers to him as a reward system. Steven likes playing with the blocks and hates stickers. He likes colors though, so I give him crayons and paper to play with while I potty train Chase. I gave Chase this Elmo sticker one day and he refuses to take it off his shirt. He's stubborn; just like you.  

   Steven likes mashed potatoes a lot. I thought that was funny, since you loved them so much, but during your pregnancy you couldn't stand them. He's a messy eater, throwing his spoon away when he's done. He can feed himself now. 

Both the boys have the odd love for applesauce. If one of them refuses to eat their mashed peas (I have to admit, they look better in the jar), I'll tell him "Applesauce after." And they'll eat it. Or if they want to play and it's nappy time, I'll feed them after their nap if they don't fuss. Or, I'll use there bear. They each have one. "Beary is tired, he wants to go beddy bye." It works like a charm.
    My PI business is going well. I guess being self employed helps, since I don't have to leave them with a sitter all the time; I can have clients over at the house instead of the office. I should go now, Steven is crying and Chase is holding his bear- I bet you can figure out what happened!
From Love Sincerely,
Parker, Steven, and Chase

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