4.9: Here's the Thing

   Here's the thing about triplets. You will never ever have a moment of peace and quiet. Ever. If you thought twins where bad, and trust me, as a single dad they could be pretty difficult, twins are nothing. Nothing. At least not compared to triplets. You will never have a clean house again. Ever. Forget it. Not happening bro.
   "Oh, I'll do it while they're sleeping." That's what Holly said about cleaning. Only thy are never sleeping at the same time. Never. You assume two fourteen year olds would be helpful, right? Nope. Chase and Steven have pretty much done the bare minimal it takes to receive their allowance. Considering that they have to go to high school and have tons of homework, it doesn't take much for them to receive a weekly salary.
    By the way, unless you work nine to five, you will not be doing your dream job. PI? Haven't worked on a case since they where born; three years ago. I'll admit, the money we have from my mother's success does mean that we'll pretty much never have to work again, but it's nice getting out of the house. Holly and I haven't left the house, or slept in weeks. 
    If your wife is anything like Holly, she's standing in line ordering the whole Starbucks' menu by the time the doctor says she can drink coffee again. Only you never leave the house. So instead you're stuck buying a thousand dollar espresso machine and ever flavoring human kind is aware of. But you don't have real time to make  real coffee, so you rely on the crappy instant stuff. A thousand dollar machine makes it better, right? Nope.
    The house can't get that out of hand, right? I mean if you hire someone then maybe- false. We hired people. Several people, after the triplets were born. None of them could handle that many babies and that many messes. "Are you sure?" If we weren't positive, the house would be cleaner.  The house will get out of hand. You can't avoid it.
     What if you don't get a dog? We did. We adopted a mixed breed named Cowbell. Blake, our blonde baby, named him. Actually, he said something alone the lines of  "Moo, moo." Holly could clearly tell this meant Cowbell. You don't argue with the wife.

   "The house is a mess." "Who left the ___ out?!" "Clean it up!" "Boys!" "Parker, tell them that they should/shouldn't ___." These are the most common phrases your wife will learn after she has triplets and is dealing with two teenagers who refuse to listen to the step-mother. She hates the term, but it's true. Chase and Steven refuse to listen to Holly, since she isn't Calina. If they met Calina, they would realize how lucky they were to have Holly. Considering that Calina just dropped off the face of the Earth fourteen years ago, that isn't much of a solution. Naturally, instead, you pile on the "Misbehave? Awesome. Clean up." punishments. Since the house is horrible, the bad people will clean it. Just like the prisoners who clean up trash on the side of the road. Don't use this comparison in front of your wife or teenage sons. Neither like it very much. Both can,. and will, make your life hell if you say this. So don't. Never think they won't if they can, because they will. So just don't do it.
    "Hey, love ya." "Night, puytting them to bed." "What smells?" "I don't know, clean it up." "Yes, honey." "Thank you, Parker." This is conversation for you with your wife. This is on a special occasion. Usually it goes like this: "Parker do ___."  Once again, do not let her hear you mock her by going, 'Blah, blah." in a high pitched feminine voice. She lives in a house full of guys. And is probably having that time of the month. Do not mess with her. Ever. At all. Just don't. I can not tell you how many things you should not do with triplets and twin teenagers. Who happen to be all boys.

  Interesting thing about teenage boys. They like girls. Most of them, anyway. Chase likes girls. Lots. He usually needs money for dates though. But not haircuts. Guess that's why he always has such long hair. Anyways, if they like dating they need money. Lots of it. And if they really want it, they'll work for it. He, for instance, will wash dishes, take out trash, teach the toddlers skills, feed them, and change them. He will then have money for movies and dinners and flowers. If you're a good parents, you might not do this. But if you're a good parent, you probably are not in our situation. Holly is a wonderful mother. You will tell her this daily. She will freakout she is doing everything wrong. But she's not. Or at least, how the hell are you suppose to know if she is? Exactly. You don't. So be quiet and agree that she's wonderful. Because you're stressed enough.

  When everyone's asleep, it's pretty rewarding. Actually, you'll get to sleep. So that's the reward. Congrats.Overall, after everything you've been through, it's worth it.